Conversations You Never Thought You'd Have

Wm: I think something is wrong with my butt. I am going to go potty.
Me: Are you feeling sick?
Wm: No. But something is not right.
[pause]
Wm: MOMMY! I found a terrific sticker in my butt!
Me: Uhhhhh…what?
Wm: I felt something in my butt. And it was a terrific sticker.
Me: What is a "terrific sticker??"
Wm: A sticker that says "terrific" on it.
Me: A sticker was stuck…in your butt?
Wm: Yes!
Me: Did you eat a sticker for some reason and then poo it out?
Wm: NO! It was just stuck in my butt.
Me: OK. Let's back up here. When you say "in" your butt…what are we talking about here?
Wm: Like it was stuck IN my butt.
Me: Like INSIDE your body?
Wm: No.
Me: Just stuck…um…in your buttcrack?
Wm: [insane laughter] Yes! The terrific sticker was stuck in my buttcrack.
Me: I don't…I don't even want to know how you got a sticker in your buttcrack.
Wm: I have no idea! There was a STICKER IN MY BUTT!!! [more insane laughter]
Me: Wm, this is very important -- what have you done with the terrific sticker? You're going to give the entire family cholera or something.
Wm: I threw it away.
Me: Thank god. Please wash your hands in very hot water for like 15 minutes.
Wm: Mommy?
Me: Yes?
Wm: THERE WAS A STICKER IN MY BUTTCRACK!
Me: I heard.

And thus ends a conversation I never thought I'd have.
(The origin of the terrific sticker remains a mystery.)