Monochromatic

So, Wm's hilariousness needs a bit of backstory this time...

I hate everything about clothes: shopping for them, trying them on, picking them out every day.  I don't care about them and spend way too much time and money on the whole business.  So, I was wearing a favorite black skirt that is class, well-made, and has been a staple in my wardrobe for nearly 14 years.  YEAH.  And it looks as good as new.  Never wrinkles.  Never fades.  Always comfy.  Then a lightbulb went off.  I should just get a small wardrobe of pieces exactly like that one: timeless, black, well-made, and low maintenance.  I will never have to think about clothes again!  Ran it passed Steve - he was on board.

SO - last night I say to Wm, "hey, guess what - I am going to get some new clothes and just wear the same color all the time and never have to think about what to buy or wear again!" Wm goes, "what color?"  I go, "black - it's a classic, man."  And Wm says....wait for it......waaaaaaait for it.....

"WAIT.  You're going goth?"

HAHA!  Man...that kid is awesome.

New Pet

Wm: Can I have a pet?
Me: Sure - what do you want?
Wm: A snake.
Me: Gross.  OK - whatever.
Wm: I'll need to get it a collar.
Me: Snakes don't wear collars, dude.  He will just live in a snake cage-like aquarium thing.
Wm: But what about when I take him for a walk? Or a slither, I guess.
Me:  Snakes don't take walks/slithers.  They just live in their aquarium all the time.  If you got a nice hamster, you could get a little ball it could roll around the house in.
Wm: Hmmm.
Me: Also, just throwing this out there - you do realize that you'd have to feed this snake mice and/or crickets, right?
Wm: Ew.
Me: Yeah.  And you CANNOT get a venomous snake, you do know that, right?
Wm: But I wanted a black mamba!
Me: NO.  You cannot have a black mamba.  That will kill you, man.
Wm: FINE. [pouting]

Chess Club

All of Wm's favorite things: iPad, chess, food...

Wm joined the Chess Club!!  He is SUPER excited.  Once a week he will stay after school and play chess for an hour with the club.  He is puuuuumped.  He keeps trying to get me to play chess with him after school, but I am not a good student.  I get bored while he starts explaining things and always talk him into going outside to play or doing Legos.  Once Steve gets home, then the two of them play and I have some nice, quiet Mommy Time.  I told Wm that I would play checkers with him, but he said checkers is "dumb" and laughed at me. Burn.

Bloody Monday

Steve said it wasn't fair that I posted his crazy face picture when it was only in response to the one I sent him.  So I told him I would reciprocate.  I was bored at work, so I decided to brighten Steve's day with this picture:

Me: Day Brightener

Then he replied with that Evil Steve Face.  But, I still have to one-up the ole' ball and chain - so I have a new Steve pic.  He discovered a bag that had a warning on it about NOT putting the bag over your head.  So he decided to do the opposite of that...

Awesome influence for Wm

After putting Wm to bed, Steve and I were hanging on the couch and I go, "why do you think Jane Doe doesn't like me?"

Steve: Well.  You are loud. And vulgar. And mean.

Me: Uhhhh...wow.  So why do you love me, then?

Steve: Those same reasons.

Soul mates. 

I got a call from Wm's school today that he got an AWFUL nosebleed and was covered in blood and they wanted to warn me about his Carrie-esque appearance.  They said blood was POURING out of his nose.  So I go to pick him up and he comes out all happy and bouncy - as usual.  I told him I heard about his awful bloody nose and he goes, "it wasn't bad at all."  I said I was told it was pouring blood like a faucet and he goes, "Ha!  NO.  It was totally just dripping.  I didn't even care."  So I told him he was very tough and he was all, "It was nothing."  I thought he was being super brave.  We got home and I took out the shirt they had removed for being "saturated" in blood and bagged.  The thing had like 4 drips of blood on it.  They also told me they had no idea how the nosebleed had started.  Within 30 seconds Wm tells me it started when he slammed his face into a friend's head playing some weird tag-like game.  At least they called!  So that was good.  And Wm got the chance to be big and tough.  I guess they can never be too careful when blood is involved. Wm could have The Herp.  

Merry Maid

We took Wm to the playground this evening - where he spent most of his time jumping off anything high.  And awkwardly pumping on the swings and screaming for us to push him.  Meanwhile, Steve spent the entire time cleaning the playground.  Yeahhhhhh.  He walked around and raked the mulch so it was more even, cleaned off the slide/swing pads, and did general playground maintenance.  Wm and I found it really entertaining.  Steve is always fun to watch.  In fact, he texted me this picture today while I was at work (which I am sure he's really happy about me sharing):

Evil Steve Face

Steve also managed to get a bunch of cute pictures of Wm at the playground - in between his bouts of cleaning.

Jumping...

Sliding (with static hair)

More jumping

And MORE jumping

Spotting something exciting

Wm goes, "I have a lot going on this weekend - I'm a busy guy."  Which cracked me up.  But, really, he does have a lot going on!  Grandma and Grandpa are coming to visit, the school is having an Ice Cream Social, he has a soccer game, and we are driving up to have to visit with Great Papa. Plus, there are other things he doesn't realize he has going on (mostly errands he will dragged along to).  

Lastly, everyone (kids and teachers) was all impressed with this robot Wm made out of random stuff at Before School.  They made sure that no one touched it or thew it away and have it on display.  Wm can't figure out what all the hubbub is about since he says it's not even his best work.  Wm is a future Engineer!

The Patriot

Wm is still loving first grade!!  His teacher has instituted a sticker chart where the kids who have good days get a sticker - then they earn a prize bag when they get a certain amount of stickers.  Wm is 1 for 1 and says he is 100% sure he's getting a sticker for today because he "got three compliments" when his teacher said he was "having a great day."

Wm told us his school still does the pledge of allegiance every day, so we asked him to do it for us.  It was pretty much the cutest thing ever.

Hoola Elvis

I was responsible for getting Wm to soccer practice all on my own today.  I was very nervous about this because I'm not sure how shin guards and those crazy socks work - and what gear is needed.  So I got a tutorial and managed it fine!  I took this picture to show Steve I was able to get Wm in shape.

Matching shirt this week!

Wm was NOT excited about soccer and tried every trick in the book to get out of going.  But, once the game started, he actually did really well!  There was no itching today and he was pretty focused.  Wm got to start this week and played 3 out of 4 quarters (usually every kid gets one quarter on, one quarter off, in rotation).  After Wm did a PERFECT side throw-in, his coach screamed, "THAT WAS GREAT, WILLIAM!" and he lit up like a Christmas tree.  But his favorite thing to do is play goalie.

Wm got to be goalie for a quarter today!

After the game, he goes, "I am actually starting to like soccer!"  I texted Steve the game blow-by-blow while he was at work.  He was THRILLED to hear Wm may be warming up!!

Then, this happened:

I made AMAZING french dip sandwiches for dinner - and while we were eating, Wm goes, "Nia is my favorite Ninjago character."  I was like, "Mine too!  She is the most powerful samurai," and Wm screams, "GIRL POWER!!!!"  Steve goes, "did you teach him that?" No, no I did not.  That was 100% Willie.

Working

Steve works all weekend, so Wm and I will have to entertain ourselves.  I asked Wm for ideas and he screamed, "GO TO THE LEGO STORE!" And, in other news, I am back to walking Wm all the way home.  A substitute teacher held him at school, telling him he was "too little to walk home alone" (without even checking to see where he lived or informing me!)  So, once I straightened it out, Wm was then terrified.  Thanks, sub, for not only terrifying me (as I waited for Wm to get home and he never showed!) and terrifying my son with your uninformed blabber mouth!  The one time Willie decides to be independent and it lasts a week.  Annoyed.  But, honestly, I do prefer sitting on the playground and watching him come out so I can snag him myself.  I know it's helicopter-parent-y of me, but I am secretly sort of glad to get him again!  Of course, I haven't mentioned this to Wm - I just told him he's perfectly safe walking home alone and he can try again whenever he feels comfortable doing so.

Steve was sitting on the couch playing on his phone (as he now does 99% of the time) and he looked way too peaceful ignoring me, so I ran over and grabbed his chest intensely and screamed, "INDIE! COVER YOUR HEART!"

Steve: Quit.
Me: I'll have you know, Mel laughed her ASS OFF at my Short Round impression.  Like, red-faced hysterics, man.  You don't even appreciate how hilarious I am.
Steve: I've seen the show, Cory.
Me: WOW. I've never even SEEN Indiana Jones!  That is really me doing an impression of Drew doing an impression of Short Round.  That's how good I am.  Mel was IMPRESSED.
Steve: We've been together for nearly 16 years.  Seen. The. Show.

Aaaaaand, that is why I have to seek negative attention.

Old

Steve and I had a great anniversary weekend!  Can you feel the love?

And now Steve works all weekend this weekend.  Wm and I have been plotting what to do with all our time.  Because he works, Steve got yesterday off work - so I took a day off as well and we continued the partying.  We saw Lawless...very good!!  

Wm asked at dinner what a hippie was.  So after I explained (and told him Mimi and Papa were hippies!), he goes, "Are you a hippie?  Wait, no...never mind.  You can't be.  You don't have long hair."  Then, this happened...

Wm: How long does college take?

Me: 4 years.

Wm: Wow.  That's a long time.

Me: Yeah.  And I went back for 2 more years and got another degree.

Wm: So you were in college for SIX years?!?

Me: Yeah, but I got 2 degrees, one from Ohio State and a Master's degree from Kent State.

Wm: How many degrees do you have, Daddy?

Steve: Just one.

Wm: You should go get another one!

Steve: Maybe I will, Wm.

Wm: Wait - you're pretty old. I think it's too late.

Steve: Uhhhh...

Wm: Yeah, you're almost 36.  And that's really close to 40.  I think you're too old.  I mean...you are OLD.  Like nearly 40.  And that is O-L-D.

Steve: HEY!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Liar

While eating lunch...

Me: Eat your carrots and broccoli.
Wm: I don't like the broccoli stem.
Me: Well, I cut it off, so it's fine.
Wm: I can taste the stem!
Me: LIIIIII-AAAAAAR!
Wm: I am not a liar!  But I do lie sometimes.
Me: That is actually the definition of being liar, man.
Wm: Hmmmm....I still taste stem.  Just so you know.

After staying at Mimi's last night, Wm said, as we were walking home, that he wants to live at Mimi's.  But, he wants Steve and I to live there as well.  He said he wants us all to live together, but the pink house isn't big enough.  I told Mimi that Wm plans to move in - and has also invited Steve and I to also move in.  That will give her heart palpitations every time she sees a UHAUL drive down her street!

First Soccer Game

Today is not only me and Steve's anniversary (lucky 13!) but Wm's first soccer game!  He was SUPER cute in his little uniform!  But he spent more time itching his shin guards than he did actually chasing the ball.  Steve has to have a "be aggressive" talk with Wm before the next game.  He was hilarious to watch.  He said he had a good time, though!!  Wm asked, "is Daddy a professional soccer player?"  I told him Daddy wished it was so - but he's settled for running a soccer facility instead.  I told him Daddy is the best soccer coach a kid could have and he should take advantage of all Daddy's soccer wisdom!

You'll see Wm has a red shirt under his uniform.  His team name is the "Fire," so I assumed they'd be red.  Showed up and got them...blue.  So, I guess they are so hot they're blue flames.  And Wm has red arms.  It made him easy to spot on the field, though!

Strange soccer/yoga pose

Blue flame!

Wm going after the ball...sorta.

The Fire won!!  The Parent Tunnel of Success after the game

New cleats!

Red arms in the back!

Wm getting ready to kick it into the goal during warm-up 

Wm is heading over to Mimi's shortly so Steve and I can party down for our anniversary.  We are headed to Deepwood tonight.  First time ever - I hear GREAT things, so we are excited!!!

Fashion Police

Me: Hey, Willie, I ordered you a winter coat today.  It's awesome.
Wm: Is it a puffy coat?
Me: No.  It has thinsulate!  So it's lightweight but still really warm.
Wm: GOOD.  I would be embarrassed to wear a puffy coat.
Me: Really?  I didn't know that was a thing.
Wm: Yeah, it's a thing.  Puffy coats are ugly.  I will not wear a puffy coat.
Me: Good to know...
Wm: When will it be here?
Me: In about a week.
Wm: Cool!  I will wear it to school!
Me: Dude...it's 90 degrees.  I just found a rad coat that was reasonably priced, so I got it now.  But...it's 90 degrees.  And like 3,000% humidity.
Wm: Hmph.

Wm is growing up!  This is the first time he has shown any interest in his wardrobe or would be "embarrassed" to wear something.  Although, he still thinks it's supercool that I got his name monogrammed onto the coat.  I'm sure in a couple years that will be totally lame.  I'm also pretty sure that, if I allowed it, he would start wearing his winter coat to school immediately.

And, FYI, in the first grade crowd, puffy coats are SO last year.

Sensitive Steve

Last night, Steve was watching that live dub wedding proposal.  For those of you who haven't seen it:



And I look over and see him weeping.  So I go, "are you crying?  AGAIN?"  (Did I mention this was not he first time he's seen it?  Cried last time too.)  He starts wiping his eyes and I go over and pat him on the back and tell him he's just a sensitive guy.  Then I notice something on his shirt and go, "What's on your shirt? Do you have stains on it?"  I touched one stain and it was wet.  I ask, "Are these TEARS?"  Yes, folks.  Steve cried so hard at the wedding proposal that he dripped tears onto his shirt.  Cutest thing ever.

Steve also just called me and told me about a conversation he had with Wm this morning...

Steve: Let's go - we need to get to North Broadway.
Wm: I don't want to go.  I just want to go to first grade.
Steve: We signed you up for Before School because YOU asked us to!  Let's go!
Wm: I don't want to!!  But...I suppose you will make me go.  Even though I don't want to.  You will force me.  [sigh]
Steve: What is your deal?
Wm: I want to go to first grade!
Steve: You are just going to North Broadway for 45 minutes before school!  You are going to first grade!  Not camp!
Wm: Oh.  OK.
(Note Wm's expert use of guilt and manipulation.  He totally gets that from me.  Poor Steve.)

Fantasy Football

Wm at the entrance to IKEA, clutching is "journal"

If you haven't noticed, it has been longer than usual since a Wm update.  That is mostly because someone in our house is on the computer all the time. And that someone isn't me.  Or Wm.  I'll give you a hint: fantasy football season has begun.  And SOMEONE's new iPhone is allowing them to text the world about the draft, what's happening, this and that and the other.  Leading to even more weirdness and computer hogging.  So I have been sitting on an IKEA update all weekend.

We went to IKEA in Cincinnati with Mimi on Saturday.  It was a blast!  IKEA is the cheapest place on earth.  It makes Walmart look overpriced. But they have nice stuff!  It's amazing.  AND, we got a free lunch!  Those Swedes are on to something.  

$4.99 Lego organizer!

$29 Wm-sized chair!

Wm was very sad that it was a 3 day weekend.  He says he wants to go to first grade every day.  He goes, "I do not want there to be a weekend anymore."  We are progressing on the Walk Home Alone Plan and I am now standing passed where the playground ends, definitely off school grounds.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Lastly, Wm is selling a bunch of crap.  If you like fudge frogs, logs of meat, tubs of cheese, household odds and ends, and other such novelties (flowers! magazine subscriptions! food storage!), please let me know.  Wm wins prizes based on how much he sells, so he has become quite the little salesman.  He has his eye on a mechanical "bird eagle." All proceeds go to the Elementary.  And your waistline.  PEPPERMINT PENGUINS, PEOPLE!