Christmas Preparedness

We put up the Christmas tree yesterday evening! We got a brand new tree on supersale last year after Christmas.  Sadly, the stand was broken.  Steve managed to make it stand up semi-straight.  He claims he is going to contact them Monday.  This evening we'll put up the little Christmas tree in Wm's room. Wm loves that tree and always insists that one present be put under it each year.

Tiny Santa looking for ornaments

Steve fixing the tree

I decided the kitchen was too dark and I wanted to brighten it up.  Steve said the color was fine, he didn't want to paint, he wouldn't help at all and wanted nothing at all to do the project.  So I went to Lowe's by myself, picked out the color (pumpkin!) by myself, bought the paint and supplies, came home and started painting. Within....maybe 5....minutes guess who was there to supervise?  Then, within 15 minutes, guess who decided I wasn't doing it the "right" way and took over completely?  YEP.

He claims it's because I can't reach certain areas.  So I told him to let me know when those areas were done and I would finish.  Never heard from him again.  When I went it to see what the heck was happening, he just goes, "why are you staring at me weirdly?" I said I was there to take over and then I was just ignored again.  

In other news, my new FitBit DIED today.  Randomly sitting in my pocket.  Very annoyed. I figure I'm just too powerful for it.  It can't clock how awesome I am.  I think it's telling me to sit on the couch and eat more bacon.  

Divorce

Car ride conversation...
Wm: Bob's parents are divorced.  He stays half the time with his mom and half the time with his dad.
Me: Is he sad about it or does he like changing houses?
Wm: He never really talks about it.  If you and Daddy got a divorce I would cry for the rest of my life. But I know that would never happen.
Me: That's right, bud.  You never have to worry about that.  Ever.
Wm: I know.  That's what I just said.  How do you get divorced, anyway?  Do you just say, "I divorce you," then go buy a new house?
Me: No, it's a bit more complicated than that. You have to go to court and talk to a judge who makes it official.
Wm: OH.  Wow. Do you have to do that if you are not married?
Me: No, if you're just dating, you can just say, "we are breaking up," and that's it.  I was dating another boy when I met Daddy, but I broke up with him right after I met Daddy because I knew Daddy was the man I was going to marry as soon as I met him.
Wm: You dated another boy?
Me: Yep.
Wm: Hm.  Was he nice?
Me: Yeah, really nice.
Wm: Not as nice as Daddy.
Me: No, Daddy is the nicest.  That's why I married him.
Wm: I bet Daddy is a MILLION times nicer.
Me: Let's not get carried away.

Offended

Steve: [lame joke] Just kidding.
Wm: I find that offensive.
Steve: What?
Wm: When people say "just kidding."
Steve: Uhhhh...what?
Wm: Just KIDding.  Are they saying kids are liars?
Steve: I never thought of it that way.
Wm: Yeahhhhhh.

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Me: Tomorrow is stuffed animal day at school - pick out one out!
Wm: I want to take Señor Caliente!
Me: His mustache is falling off.  And he's kinda racist.
Wm: Well, sew it back on.
Me: I don't sew.  Ask your dad.  He sews.
Wm: HAHA!!  Daddy sews?!
Me: WHY IS THAT FUNNY?
Wm: Only old ladies sew.
Me: Totally not true.
Wm: Daddy is the old lady of the house.
Me: Well, that's actually fairly true.

Chez Cory

I feel very domestic this weekend!  I have spent the entire time in the kitchen.  First, Wm and I made sugar cookies and frosted them.

Testing the merchandise 

Cutest Cookie Baker

Then, Steve requested shepherd's pie for dinner, but I'd never made it.  It was a bit labor intensive, but it turned out GREAT.  Then, I went back into the kitchen and made a chocolate pudding cake for dessert. This morning, I woke up and made a Big Breakfast of bacon, eggs, ciabatta bread, and grapefruit.  Sadly, doing dishes is Steve's job.  So...have fun, Steve!  The kitchen is DESTROYED. We will be going out to lunch.

Steve came with Wm and I on our exercise walk yesterday and he was the biggest whiner of all time.  We had to cut it short and I don't think Steve stopped bitching the entire time.  Wm and I decided not to invite Daddy on our exercise walks again.  Clearly, he isn't in the kind of shape required to handle our fitness level.  Also, I get my free FitBit this week!!!  I am SO EXCITED!!!!  Thank you, Ohio State, for giving me my freeeeeee FitBit!!!  I wish it was a Buckeye FitBit, but, sadly, it's just a regular one. Go Bucks! (Note: I probably shouldn't be nearly this excited since I earned it by disclosing a bunch of health information to OSU they will probably use to deny me health coverage one day.  But for now...FREE FITBIT!!!!)

Fun times

Steve wins at everything.  Occasionally he will throw me a bone, but mostly, he wins at everything.  For the first time in 17 years, I am dominating him.  At MoviePop.  A stupid phone app that tests your movie knowledge.  And I have PWNED Steve at this thing.  He is mine.  You'd think he wouldn't care since this is my first big win at something in 17 years and it's a stupid thing anyway.  But he is SO GRUMPY about losing and has been moping around about it all evening.  It just makes the win all the sweeter.

When we got back from the grocery store this morning, Wm was carrying in a 5lb bag of potatoes.  I go, "are you OK with that, man?" and he goes, "yeah, it's only one eighth of my total weight."  I was like, "Wait - what? Is that right?" And he goes, "Just about.  1/8 of 40 is 5 and I am just over 40lbs. So this bag is about 1/8 of my weight." I go, "Did you learn that at school or did you just pull it out of your butt?" Wm laughed so he wheezed and goes, "out of my BUTT!!!"  So - that is a fun new phrase I have introduced to him.  And...he is a genius.

The fam was lazing in bed this morning and Wm and Steve started wrestling, like they do.  Things got crazy and started to infringe on my side of the bed.  So I go, "Be careful!!!  I am delicate!" And Steve snorts and goes, "Delicate like a badger."

Public Employees

To all my other government employee peeps!!  (Since Steve spends 99% of his time whining around about how I do nothing at work all day, it seems extra appropriate to do this post from work - I'm on my lunch break, people!)

Toothless

I had my evil tooth pulled today.  Good times.  Steve and I both left work at lunch and he had the happy task of accompanying me.  He was amazed at how fast it was.  Once they take you back there, yanking the tooth is a snap.  I got the old laughing gas treatment, so I was high as a kite.  I'm not really in any pain, but I am STARVING and they told me no chewing today so I am forced to eat applesauce and jello.  Tomorrow, I eat an entire pig.  I will eat bacon wrapped bacon with bacon fat chaser.  And chocolate.  Wrapped in bacon.  Nestled in chocolate.

Wm has gotten me hooked on this stupid farm game on my phone.  I can't stop playing it.  I have now left Steve and Wm far, far behind me and have become King of Hay Day.  Steve and Wm don't even have any sheep yet!!  Meanwhile, I am building a weaving loom.  Cause I am Level 17.  Eat you hearts out. As I was putting Wm to bed last night, we were chatting about the game and he hugged me and goes, "I am so happy to finally have something to talk to you about! You should play more video games."

Biggest time suck in history

Workers

After walking down the ravine, Wm wanted to see what was at the top of the bridge we always walk under.  So, we decided to go investigate.  I knew they were doing some construction on the sidewalks along the street, but figured it was a weekend, so they weren't working.  But as we walked, they were there doing some heavy duty work with machines and the like. It was kind of dicey getting by and so I told Wm I was sorry that I didn't take different route, but I didn't expect them to be hard at work on a weekend.  Wm goes, "I would never want to be a worker - that looks HARD." (A "worker" is what Wm calls construction workers or anyone that comes to the house to do any sort of work on it.) So I told him he'll definitely need to go to college and he goes, "OH, I AM GOING TO COLLEGE."  Then looked at me like I was an idiot and goes, "I am going to be a chemist and an inventor."  So I told him that sounds like Chemical Engineering to me!  And he was all, "Yes.  YES.  I will be a Chemical Engineer.  NOT a worker."  I told him being a worker seems like it could be a pretty cool gig - you get to be outside, you get to build something meaningful with your own two hands, etc.  But Wm goes, "Mommy, you know I am an indoor person.  I want an office and a computer."  Cracked me up.  The rest of the walk, he told me about all the "potions" he plans to invent.

Also, I found this old picture of me and Steve behind a zillion other pictures as I put Wm's new school picture in a frame.  Here are the things, in order, that made me laugh: Steve's hair, Drew's creepy hand coming in for the attack, how freakin' pale I am:

Mankind

I have won at mothering.  Wm and I were taking an "exercise walk" (Wm actually loves to go on walks with me and we race and have speed walk competitions - he always beats me) and we were talking about something and I said, "it would destroy all of mankind!" Wm stopped and goes, "Why is it 'mankind'?  Why is it not 'womankind' or 'personkind'?"  Yes, folks...I have won.  I am raising the best son ever.  His future wife better appreciate all my hard work.  I explained that that expression came about in a time when men were "the bosses" - but it's not like that anymore.  I told him about how Daddy would have been "the head of the household" and he could have bossed us around, beaten us, or done whatever he wanted to either of us since his word would have been law.  Then I said, "and when you grew up, you would have been boss of your family that way." And Wm says, "I would NEVER act like that.  Even in old times." Then he paused and goes, "kids are still not equal."  So we talked about how Mommy and Daddy set limits because we love him and want him to be a happy, healthy kid.  I told him we hope that when he grows up, he will be a happy, healthy adult even when we're not around to teach and protect him and that's what we're trying to do when we tell him his screen time is up or to eat his carrots.  So he'll know not to play iPad for 24 hours straight or eat nothing but white bread and potato chips.  I told him he sees how Daddy and I try to make good choices and it's because of what we learned as kids.  That seemed to appease him, but not completely.  His little brain is always workin'.

Wm is currently outside jumping into huge piles of leaves that I spent all morning raking up for him.  Steve has mowed and fixed up the yard for winter and it looks amazing!  Although...I'm not sure I'm ready for winter.

Best & Worst

It was the best of times…it was the worst of times.

The worst: I found out that my very last molar on the left side has died for some reason and is now infected.  I guess that just happens sometimes.  Or so they say.  So I have to have it pulled.  This occurs next week and I plan to be drugged out of my mind. But, it's one step closer toward my Master Plan - which is to have all my molars pulled and enjoy the freedom of fake teeth.  No dentist is willing to pull my "healthy teeth" (if I even have any), so I have to slowly wait for them to fall out.  This is #3!

The best: I went to the Mr. Engineer pageant and it was HILARIOUS.  I laughed so hard my incisions hurt.  One of my students was competing - and he actually won the title of "Mr. Brains" (there is also "Mr. Brawn" and "Mr. Beauty" - and, of course, the coveted title of "Mr. Engineer"). The talent portion was definitely the absolute best.  But, the choreographed opening number was awesome. I managed to record a chunk of it (though I missed the best bit to Wrecking Ball):

And here is the Mr. Engineer gang:

Engineers are hilarious.  Mostly unintentionally, but sometimes on purpose! They are super fun to work with!!  If nothing else, they love to have fun with it (one contestant used his Q and A portion to figure out how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood - answer: 60,000 cubic meters of wood). 

In fun Wm happenings, I was laying with him in his bed trying to get him to wake up and get dressed for school and he says super politely, "if you could excuse me, please." I go, "Of course!  What a gentleman!" And Wm says, "yeah, I need you to move so I can get a tissue; I have the giantest booger you could ever possibly imagine in my nose."  

Master

I am off work today for Veteran's Day, but Wm has school.  So I got to stay home with him this morning and walk him up.  As we were walking, we had a great conversation...
Me: What are the three things you need to remember today?
Wm: Don't toss pencils around.
Me: YES.  That is dangerous.  No more pencil tossing.
Wm: Remember The Neighbor after school.
Me: Good.  Don't forget her again - she was scared.
Wm: I don't know the third thing.
Me: Keep your hands to yourself.
Wm: I have already mastered that.

Wm just finished reading Charlotte's Web.  He was VERY upset that [SPOILER ALERT] Charlotte died at the end.  He goes, "She can't die!  Her name is in THE TITLE!!!!"  I told him the movie was on Netflix and we could watch that.  Once we did, I go, "which was better the movie or the book?" Everyone in the world knows the book is ALWAYS better than the movie, but Wm goes, "The movie. There was no reading - I just got to sit there."  Sigh.

Fall

I went out for my first exercise walkfest post-surgery yesterday.  It was a GLORIOUS fall day: sunny; warmish, but crisp; all the leaves changing.  It felt SO GOOD to get back outside and move my body, I was having the time of life.  As I turned a corner in the ravine, it was so pretty with all the leaves changing!  Of course, a picture can never really show all the colors as vibrantly as they are in real life, but I couldn't resist...

Poor Steve has now been felled by The Cold.  He was supposed to go to some bar and watch a soccer game with all his weird soccer cronies today and he says he's too sick to go.  THAT is when you know poor Steve is feeling truly awful.  (I heard him singing to himself yesterday in the basement "I feeeeel like crrrraaaaap!") I went out to lunch with Suzanne yesterday and had them pack up some of the AMAZING cinnamon buns they bring to the table to take home to Steve. I even took a picture of them, texted it to him, and told him I was bringing him a treat.  Aaaaand, then I forgot them.  Left them sitting on the table.  Worst wife ever.  To make it up to him, I have chocolate chip pecan banana bread baking away in the oven right now.

Broken promise 

Wm walked home from school by himself all week.  Halfway through the week, the little girl across the street wanted in.  So they were supposed to meet and walk home together.  Wm walked in the house, peppy as can be on the first day; but I looked outside and saw the little girl was all upset.  I asked Wm why she was so upset and he goes, "no idea."  I was like, "she seems really upset, man - was she OK on the walk?" And he goes, "she wouldn't talk to me, so I don't know - we walked home silently."  I asked why she was silent and he said, "because I forgot about her."  SO, apparently, Wm forgot that he was meeting her, started to leave, she saw him, panicked, had to run to catch up with him, and then walked home silently upset by this whole mess.  Meanwhile, Wm didn't give a shit.  Not one shit was given.  I wanted to go across the street and tell her that is the story of my life:

1. Be upset/annoyed by something The Boys do

2. Give them the angry silent treatment

3. Have them completely ignore my silent treatment

4. Intensify silent treatment by adding huffing around/glaring

5. Continue to be ignored

6. Give up 

7. They win, as always

8. Repeat cycle

Wm's First Walk

As directed, Wm called to tell me when he was leaving school grounds so I could go out and watch for him.  However, it didn't go all according to plan.

[RING RING]
Me: Hello? William?
Wm: [screaming sounds in the background] I GOT IT YESTERDAY!
Me: WILLIAM?
Wm: [the sounds of laughing and shrieking children] I CAN'T EVEN HEAR MY MOM!!!!!
Me: HELLO?
Wm: [Click]
Me: [rapidly redialing Wm repeatedly - to no answer]
5 minutes later...
Wm: [walks in house] Hi.
Me: What the hell, dude?
Wm: What?
Me: Uhhhh…all I heard when you called was you screaming at other kids and all sorts of action and then you hung up on me and didn't answer when I called back.
Wm: Yeah. Ugh.  Bob* and Susan* were all "when did you get a cell phone," and then kept bothering me.  I couldn't hear you.
Me: You don't just HANG UP on someone!
Wm: Hm. OK.
Me: WILLIAM! I was freaking out!
Wm: Why?
Me: [sigh] You know what? Never mind.  Call me in an emergency.  Otherwise, just walk home.  This is too complicated and it's just freaking me out more.  Just. Walk. Home.
Wm: Yeah…that's what I said we should do. You're the one who complicated it.
Me: You are the devil.
Wm: Anyway, can I have a snack?

* Names changed, of course.

School Pics

Wm got his school pictures Friday and he is toothless!

Wrinkles MacKenzie

Wm also finally managed to infect me with his sniffles, so I have had a cold all weekend.  Which was nooooo fun.  Suzanne braved my germs to come over yesterday - she brought me a super cute hat she knitted and I am really looking forward to showing it off all winter.  We also took Wm for a short walk through the ravine.  It was gorgeous with all the leaves changing...I only wish I was in better shape to enjoy it!

Getting tall!

But, the Big Awfulness was that Wm scared the hell out of me on Friday.  He didn't show up to our meeting spot after school.  So after a while, I went to our pre-planned muster location: the school office.  NO WM.  That's when panic set it.  I had the office and his teacher out looking for him when my phone buzzed. He had just walked home alone and then went over to the neighbor's when he discovered I wasn't home (because *I* was in the pre-planned muster location!!) The neighbor texted me and told me she had him safely at her place. SO, needless to say, we have a new plan.  And Wm is the proud owner of a new gophone.  He is trying to send me to an early grave.